Creatively Blue Balled

That’s how I get sometimes. I just want to do so much, just come out and fully express myself by doing something, or several somethings, and just have no outlet to do so. The build up is terrible. If only there were some way to masturbate one’s mind.

There are so many things that I would like to do. I just can’t get any of it done.

On another note:

I’ve been acting a little bit differently lately. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the change of being a father. I’ve been, I don’t know, just different. I’m no longer listening to the music that I usually listen (or had been listening) to. I’ve reverted to listening to a local AM broadcast, and have been doing so for the past week and a half. It’s kind of comforting I guess.

When I was a young child, that station (which used to broadcast simultaneously on an FM frequency) was mainly what my parents listened to, or, at least, from what I can remember.

I’ve been wanting to cry. Not for any appearent reason, just to feel the tears swell up in my eyes and run down my face.

I’ve been laughing and giggling more often, which is something that I do when I can find no other way to deal with a problem.

Maybe I’m stressed. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just growing up.

I spend a lot of time with Taron during the nights. I change and feed him, which is a task that I absolutely love to do. Diana thinks that I’m a little odd because of that. She says that most men really don’t go in for doing that sort of thing. I can’t see why a father wouldn’t want to partake in the care of their child, even if it meant doing something that was once thought to be “woman’s work”.

“Woman’s work” bothers me. Not the type of work associated with that title, just the title itself. Their is no such thing as woman’s work, except for childbirth. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, those are responsibilties that ALL must share. I in fact love doing those chores, and prefer to do so, rather than having Diana do them. Just wish I had the time.

I can’t wait until we’re outta here. Hopefully we’ll be in our own home in a month. God I pray that the time will come soon.

I wish that I could just pick up and leave. Take Diana and Taron, and just leave this place, and find ourselves a better life elsewhere. If it were only possible. If only I knew that we could do so, without suffering any further financial losses, and that I would be guaranteed a job.

I don’t know why I wish that we could leave. The thought of leaving had never come to me before. I always thought of this community as my home. I’ve wanted to stay and spend my life here, grow old here, die here. Lately, I’ve been wondering if there is more for us elsewhere.

Perhaps Canada. Yep. That’s one place that I would like to go, and possibly live. I’ve always heard nice things about Canada, and after watching Bowling For Columbine (an excellent movie, I might add), I think that I would feel much safer there than here.

Maybe Utah. Find out more about LDS.

Of course, thinking about it, Kentucky ain’t so bad. We’ve got nice countryside and interesting weather. Just all them rednecks bother me. Of course, I’m one as well, so I guess I really have no room to talk.

I don’t know, maybe this entry has helped me get my mind off a little, but I still feel like my head is swollen and about to pop if I don’t go out and take a walk, stare at the stars, paint a landscape, wash the cars, write a novel, sing a song, …………

Now I really wish that I could cry. I’m depressing myself. I just want to curl up and cry.

The feeling will pass though. I’ll feel much better in a few minutes, when I publish this entry, disconnect, and hold my son in my arms.

Then, I’ll really want to cry.

For a different reason.

I love my baby boy.

Thank you for listening. I think this talk has helped me.
-Jeremy