If you haven’t heard or figured out, then it’s time you knew…

My wife, Diana, and I are no longer together. I’ve no idea where to begin…

I suppose I shouldn’t call Diana my wife, as she will no longer be wearing that title–but what else could I have said to properly introduce you without an instant element of shock? Soon-to-be-ex-wife? Though this might be a bit painful, and though I might secretly wish ill of her at certain moments–as anyone in my position might do; I don’t really wish to speak ill of her–at least not in a public forum.

Facts, however, are undeniable–and though our fair Commonwealth holds itself as a “no fault” state–people do have the need and desire to know “what happened”. But first…

Vaguely, I remember the morning that I saw a new face ascend the steps of the school bus on a muggy morn, laced in dew and light fog. She seemed cold and hardened–by what I did not know–yet, I could see in her steely eyes that there was a passionate being, desperately crying to discover a life much better. The girl proceeded down the aisle, and sat beside me–as mine was the only occupied by me. I didn’t fully know it at the time, but still, this feeling came over me that this girl would become an important part of my life. A year or so later, that girl, Diana, entered my life once more.

Memories fail me at this moment as to precisely when, but I recall one evening hearing the phone ring, and it being announced that the call was for me–and it was a girl! Somehow, Diana had managed to discover the number to the family home, and took it upon herself to telephone me. This simple call led to years of talking with her over the phone–sometimes pleasant, other times not-so-pleasant–and occasionally, downright annoying. Diana expressed an interest in me–and, despite her stalker-like tendencies–I was developing an interest in her; friendship–or something akin–grew. She expressed her love and desire for me; I attempted to remain distant, as I couldn’t quite get over the frequency to which she called–she clung to me, gripped me, and tried to hold me as her own, though we weren’t a couple.

Diana had chased after me–quite literally–throughout our remaining years at Harrison County High School; yet, I never let her in or that close to me, until one night…

Each year, the cadets of the Kentucky 51st AFJROTC are treated to a “Military Ball”–a formal dance, where the men present themselves in full uniform and the ladies wear their best gowns and evening attire. I’m uncertain as to whether the 51st still holds the event, and if so, where it takes place today; in my days as a cadet, however, the event took place in the clubhouse of the Cynthiana Country Club. The venue–though small–seemed vast and expansive for someone like me. The dimly lit room, filled with smiling faces, surrounded by an exterior painted in the darkness of the evening–huge, lumbering trees proudly standing outside aided in developing this feeling that we were all in our own little world. Toward the end of the evening, Diana approached me, and we began to speak of her future–this was her last year at school; somewhere in the mix–I’m fairly certain–came talk of how she dreamed to find that special someone. Diana grew more comfortable, and drew nearer to me; I began to realize how uncomfortable my jacket and tie were… the DJ announced the last dance.

I cannot remember the music–I don’t recall it’s melody or whether there were lyrics to accompany it–but I do remember sharing that dance with her, and how she suddenly seemed to be the most beautiful woman in the room. We moved slowly. Held each other closely. Her eyes sparkled, glistened, twinkled and shone brighter than the light reflecting off the gown that covered her increasingly luscious frame. I could feel the heat of her body, radiating from her abdomen, penetrating the fabric that separated us. I began to wonder whether this feeling I was developing was love… We shared a moment that seemed to last an eternity; suddenly, the song ended, and I was overcome by an ice-cold shockwave of fear and confusion. I ran.

Years passed; Diana moved away. Soon, I discovered that she’d married. When she’d returned to visit her family, I was invited to meet her and her husband. Strangely, I felt a combined feeling of happiness and sadness. I had been overjoyed to discover that this dear friend had found love; the sadness felt, I can’t quite explain… months later, Diana began to telephone again, as her marriage had now fallen apart and dissolved–it seemed that Prince Charming was deeply flawed, and would much rather share his time with another woman in their bed.

Time passed, and our communiques fell to the wayside; our paths did not cross again until shortly after she returned to Cynthiana. Unfortunately, by the time I discovered her return, I’d learned she’d committed to someone else and was with child. The same joyful sadness visited me–though this time I was able to place a finger on the element of melancholy; a dear friend that had been so close to me had found love, and I was still searching. We reconnected as friends, again, and once more I became a shoulder to cry on. A year or two later, I was there when her world collapsed. Eventually, this close friendship developed into a relationship; soon after, marriage.

Eleven years of my life have–ten in marriage–have been spent with Diana. Over that period, we’ve had numerous ups and downs many of which you may know–and from my understanding, as I continue to hear from numerous friends, acquaintances, and strangers–many of you know too well. The past two weeks have shown me that there is no such thing as a secret or a private life–and, to be honest, it frightens me that people have learned so much, and how accurate some rumors can be.

Presently, Diana and I are separated; papers have been filed for divorce. To the best of my knowledge, she plans to wed in July–or when the divorce is finalized, whichever allows; this much I treat as fact and common knowledge, as she’s shared this with the children. The children and I continue to live in our home, and are dealing with this situation as best we can; we’ve received a great amount of emotional support and some additional support from the community and are very grateful. I’m attempting to locate employment, as I need to be able to support our family.

As for my feelings, I cannot truly say that I am “happy” as a void has been opened in my life; I can, however, say that I am dealing with the change fairly well, and feel slightly optimistic about my future. I’d be lying, however, if I said that I didn’t wish that I’d awaken to find that these past few weeks have been a very detailed nightmare.

As for Diana, I cannot say anything more than she states that she’s the happiest she’s been in life.

I do hope that this time is real for Diana, and pray that she’s finally found the love, security, and companionship she’s been searching for.

Maybe, someday, I’ll find mine…

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I originally began writing this post on April 30–ten days following the day she left. I did not finish writing/revisit the post until today, May 9, 2014.