Reflection

One of my first posts this year was a reaction I had in response to this project of bringing my blogging efforts into the geminispace; after reviewing a few of my earlier posts, I had come to the conclusion that I was fairly mean, ugly, and hateful. Well, at this exact moment in time, I feel that I can say that I still am–to an extent–and that after even further review of my older writings, a lot of it has to do with life experiences. See, while I was continuing to work on this silly project, I lucked out, I guess, and managed to discover a few posts that were even older than those I knew I had a copy of–thank you Internet Archive!

I managed to find a partial archive of a blog I attempted to keep circa 2004 on “blogdrive”. While some of those posts do have a touch of my snarky-ness, it was a lot milder, actually, when compared to things written in 2007–the earliest I still had a personal archive of. So, looking back at that, I felt an odd little feeling of–I don’t know–relief? It was a little odd, yet somehow refreshing to see that I wasn’t as negative as I had become. I just struggle now with the notion that so much of my life had been changed in such a negative way to have turned me into such an angry ass.

Fortunately, I can say that the bulk of those times are well behind me, and that the only thing I have to deal with these days are the unpleasant residuals that live on inside of me and the occasional torment of associated memories. But still, I do see that damage has been done, and I wonder if I will ever fully recover and become closer to the person I once had been prior to my first marriage. I know that I won’t be able to get very close to being that person again; I mean, I can’t, as too many other experiences have happened since to sour some of my opinions of humanity. Those different experiences–though removed from the primary situation causing my attitude shift–ended up existing during and following those uglier times in my life, so they hit harder with differing vibrations than they would have had I been my less- or un-tainted self.

So, I don’t know. I’m slightly lost and bewildered, and yet feeling slightly better about myself at the same time, now knowing for myself that, yes, I once was a different person.

I’m still an ass–and I still have quite a few negative feelings about people in general. But I’m definitely not the same person I was in 2007, and I’m not the person I had been in early 2004. I wonder if there’s any chance that I could find anything written of any worth or meaning in 2003 or earlier–I think I would like to try and know myself of that time period once more.

On another related note, I would like to try and explore a little more on what I’ve experienced with my dealings with other people outside of my personal relationships–rehash just a few of the things I’ve experienced with the public at large. I think I need to see hat it is about people that I truly dislike, and see what there is for me to do to love and trust my fellow man again, if it’s even possible.

I don’t know.

Thanks for reading;

–J