Old Journals…

It’s amazing what you’ll find when you start going through a pile, box, crate, etc. of old papers and documents…
Example… I found a letter that I wrote to Taron, while he was still in the womb… I had done this many times, but have only found evidence of this one…

September 25, 2003
Letter to My Little One,
Mommy’s not feeling well today, and hasn’t since yesterday morning. I am so worried for the both of you. I am so afraid that something is going to happen. Perhaps I should tell you what’s going on, and why I am so worried.
Yesterday morning, mommy awoke with neck and back pain. She had tried to have me help make her neck feel better, earlier, but I was to sleepy to stay awake and help her. The strong woman that she is, made it through the rest of the morning before I awoke. Later she told me with tears in her eyes about how much she hurt. I tried to help, and hope that I have.
Today, Mommy was still in pain, and got a little scare when she found something that might mean trouble. We rushed to the doctor when she got back home from her mommy’s. The nice nurses and doctor told mommy not to worry, and be careful, and to tell them if she needs anything else.
So Mommy is OK now, but she still hurts a little.
I am just scared. I want Mommy and you to both be OK. I don’t want anything bad to happen to either of you. I hope that you come home safely, out here with Mommy and me in four months. I can’t wait to see you. I want to hold you with Mommy, and know that everything will be okay. I love you both so much.
Lovingly Yours,
Daddy

Yeah, Diana was feeling terrible during that period… She had a lot of muscle aches, cramps, and she spotted a bit… we were terrified…
I found another writing of mine, on an old notepad… It dates back to high school…

Yesterday morning, (and I do mean MORNING) something happened that totally blew my mind. Robert, temporarily, went off the deep-end. We (Robert, Chris, Eric C., Jamie S., ByRon, Annie & myself) were at ByRon & Annie’s having our own Independence Day party (which started about 45 minutes before our nation’s b-day was over). For once I saw Robert only on a good buzz from drinking & Chris totally blitzed. Usually its the other way around. It was great, but it soon changed. Robert and I were sitting outside, talking, and the drunks came out. We ignored them and continued talking. Robert had said that he liked buzzing rather than getting drunk, and said that he was an idiot for getting DRUNK like he usually does. He saw how Chris was acting and asked if he acted the same way that Chris was. I told him that that was exactly how he was when he got drunk. He seemed to be a bit embarrassed by this, but the moment passed.
He spoke of the time that he drank and only got a buzz. It was the party that caused him to lose Tracy.
He had given Shandra false directions to his house, so as they wouldn’t show up to take him to the party. He didn’t want to go. They somehow found their way and showed up anyway. When he went out to the truck, he knew something was up. He found that he was the third, and last guy out of six party-goers. He was being set up. Because of this he didn’t get DRUNK because he thought something (like intercourse) might happen if the third girl tried to take advantage of him. The girl did anyway, by giving him a hand-job. Shandra told one of Tracy’s friends, which, in turn, told Tracy. This had been planned. Danielle (the girl who played with Robert) wanted him and Shandra went along with it. Had I have been there, things would’ve went differently. I should’ve been there. I was invited. I didn’t go though, because Robert said that he wasn’t gonna go. I still considered going, but changed my mind because I was told who was gonna be there. I knew that without Robert the group would be an even number of 6, 3 guys & 3 girls, if I went. I should’ve went. Robert & Tracy would still be a couple. I wouldn’t have let this happen.
Anyway, after Robert told me the truth of the matter, the drunks started running around outside. The on who really caused trouble was Chris. We chased him down and got him back inside. However, in our running, the buzz started to increase, and was coming close to drunkenness. Robert started having difficulties in slowing his system back down. Things calmed back down for maybe five minutes, and started all over again. I left Robert outside, telling him to slow his breathing, to to try and cool off. After the second round of chasing drunks had calmed back down, I went back outside to find Robert.
I found Robert, by the shed, beating himself upside his head, with a beer bottle. He was beating himself up because of what he had done to Tracy.
I tried to get him to stop. I tried to talk to him. I was failing. I managed to roll him on his stomach, and grabbed his arms, and hold them behind his back. We laid there in the grass; him still verbally abusing himself, and my arms locking his behind his back. Eric came out looking for us. His buzz was killed when he discovered that I had pinned Robert, in order to keep him from killing himself.  Then everyone else came out. And my memory starts to blur.
Robert gets up, and heads to the house, and we follow, and Annie starts arguing with us. And Eric starts to talk to Robert, to calm him down, and Robert wants a smoke, and I tell Jamie to give him one, and Robert wants a drink, and I pour him one, and I tell Eric to come outside with me, and I tell Eric that he was doing a good job of talking Robert back down, and I collapse on the ground not to far from ByRon, and Robert and Annie come out, and Robert’s been crying – but looks better than he was, and Eric apologizes to Annie for arguing, and I do the same, and we pick up ByRon to bring him back inside, and….
Now I draw a blank. I remember something about ByRon puking up watermelon & gummy bears. I remember all of us trying to get some sleep. Even parts of this morning are fuzzy. When I start remembering things clearly is when I saw Robert fixing refried beans.
Anyway, that’s all I want to say for now. It’s late, and I am tired. I will continue tomorrow.
Possible Topics:
Mike’s Coffeehouse
Brianne?
Josh & Evan
Tape recording from party
Anything else
7/6/99 2:41a.m.

From what I have heard, there’s a totally different account of what happened at that party Rob went to… Shandra would have to tell you that… Personally, I’d believe Shandra’s version…
Another journal entry follows:

It’s been 2 days since I wrote. The topics have changed a little. But, I’ll go ahead and touch on those topics.
Coffeehouse & Brianne
Brianne Skidmore works there.
I may have to stop by more often.
Josh & Evan
Josh is kinda going with Evan and is madly in love.
Evan’s family is his dream family
Tape from the party
Found & gave the tape to Robert
Anything Else
Anything Else?
7/8/99
038hrs

And another…

Chris still loves Evan. At Coney Island (the sappiest place on earth) he said that he kept “seeing” her. He asked me about Josh & Evan. He comments on Josh & Evan. He left Dark side of the Moon in the car – inside the case were 2 pics of him and Evan @ prom.
7/21/99

Later that day…

Thinking about movie me & Chris discussed making. Should go ahead and get started. ‘Bout a month till school starts again and Chris will be busy with that, and Rob will be headed to college.
Friends headed for college and I’m not. Don’t even have a job yet. Need a job. Need to keep in touch with friends. Maybe when Rob heads for college I’ll start hanging with Chris and his friends. It’ll give me something to do.
7/21/99
1247a.m.

and shortly after that…

Feb 22 – Melodee’s B-day
Feb 22 ’82 – Melodee’s DOB
 (xxx)xxx-7447
Why don’t I call? Find out if the number is real? Ask Melodee out to a movie?
Palmer + Melodee?
HA HA HA
NO WAY IN HELL!
SHE WOULDN’T BE INTERESTED.
would she?
7/21/99
1254am

Um… I like x’d out the numbers for this post… Amazing… I had digits, and never did a thing with them…
And there’s some more random writing, mainly scribbles and drawings – stuff that text just can’t capture…
Well, I’d better get back to housework…