“Things will get better.”
“It will be okay.”
“It’s hard, but you’ll pull through.”
“These things happen.”
“It just takes time.”
These words–we’ve heard them all before; all intended as some soothing comfort for a variety of circumstances that have led to bringing a person down. The words don’t mean much, and rarely, if ever, are they truly effective in making one feel better about a situation; still, it is nice to hear them on occasion. After a certain period of time, however, they too can become as painful as the event which has turned the troubled individual’s world upside down.
That’s where I’m at.
Each time that I hear these phrases or something akin, a dull, heated awl pierces my skin and plunges deep into my heart. Though it may have been a syringe of atropine that Nick Cage’s character injected into his own heart in order to save himself in “The Rock”, my mind’s eye paints a very similar scene; lying on the floor, convulsing, writhing in agony, and forcing something so unnatural into my chest.
I don’t know.
It’s been 87 days since my former wife and I separated; 14 days since I was divorced.
It’s been roughly 75 days since I began talking to someone, and seeing them as a potential light in my life. It’s been 38 days since I lost that someone, because I chose to help my children’s mother after her boyfriend attacked her.
It’s been 64 days since I was advised to fling poo at my ex’s door. I was also advised to try to go ahead and move on and find new love; the following day I began to express a deeper interest in that someone I eventually lost 15 days later.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QuowOoJqZw&t=26m15s (my call begins at 26:15)
It’s been 7 hours and 15 days since someone took their love away from Prince.
I don’t know.
I’m finding it hard to believe that I might find someone after this. After all of this. I’m struggling to see that things will be better for me in life and love, honestly. It’s just very difficult.
…and to top it off, I’m to think of it as “pure joy” in trying to move through all this, as the testing of my abilities will make me persevere. (paraphrase of James 1:2-3)
I’m trying to persevere…
…but there’s nothing about it that I find joyful.
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