matters of opinion and perception taint our self image and worth.

sometimes i struggle with wondering what the other person thinks of me. somedays it is not such a struggle–i simply pay the thought no mind. other days…

diana seems to struggle with the same problem. sometimes it seems as if her fight with these demons is more difficult. last night, i believe, she had another round with them.

i dont know why she, nor i, nor anyone else for that matter care what others think. i dont believe that i'll ever truly understand this feeling. i do, however understand a portion of it, which diana described earlier this morning.

…but before i share that nugget of diana's wisom, i must share a small backstory…

…it came about from her reading a comment that someone left on a social networking site. the comment, and i assume the prior posting to which the comment was made, had been something which amounted to disgust for a "type" of people–those who seem to clutter their lives with drama or gossip and hold their opinions so high that they believe it to be gospel. diana found this to carry a bit of irony as the person who made the comment could easily fit in that classification. diana could not resist joining the conversation.

after some time the commentor came back with a response, stating that she had cut all sorts of people out of her life which seemed to produce nothing but drama. diana felt that this was–and i agree that it is likely–a jab at her.

this ate at diana. how could this miserable excuse of a person–my words–say these vile things of her and fail to see the boulder being hurled toward her crystal castle?

diana then poised the question, "if someone so low can think such things of me, then what do i look like in the eyes of someone who matters?"

i understand that question, as i've asked it many times. never have i found an answer.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

i have now seen the original posting and the comments associated, and offered some differing insight to diana. the original post was simply someone declaring how the community was filled with "drama". the aforementioned commentor had jokingly posted that even drama-queens need attention. it was to this that diana posted how she had tried to shed herself of some of life's drama, to which the commentor replied stating that she, too, had done the same, etc. it was from this that diana thought a jab was being made.

i failed to see where exactly the jab was made, though i cannot say that one wasn't; and even if there had been some sideways slight the advice running throughout the thread by all parties says it all–don't let it bother you.

the problem with which diana seemed to be experiencing with that thread was feelings from days of yore. the troubles with reconnecting with old acquaintences is that one may begin to fall back into the thoughts and feelings associated with the time. though people do constantly evolve we fall back to our last known or greater felt reference points when dealing with those in our past. as these people are from diana's teenage years, she falls back onto some of how she felt at the time–even more insecure and paranoid of being hurt so that another may advance in some fashion.

it is possible that diana was being hurt again. personally, i didn't see it. perhaps i am simply blind to it as i, like another who posted in that thread had said, let things "roll off".

this experience shows how easily one's past can bring about and bring forward a range of old emotions. it also shows how difficult it can be to have old wounds heal.

in any case, the experience has also brought forward an important question, whether or not it can be applied in this particular instance. that question still being, "if one can think this of me, then how does another view me?"

whether or not we are capable of letting things "roll off" we can still be haunted by that question.