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The Road Behind & Ahead: Reflections of 2014 and hopes for 2015

So here it is–January 1, 2015; that day where many of us sit and think about what we’ve done, and where we plan to be in the year that’s just begun. And here I am, left sitting, wondering where the time went, whether it was worth my while, and what I can do to try and make it better.

In many respects, 2014 wasn’t that great of a year for me; in some it helped to lay the path for what could be a better future–though optimism seems to be running a tad short due to certain events and feelings leaving me jaded.

The biggest change that took place in 2014 was the dissolution of a ten-year marriage, eleven-year relationship and the drastic effects it’s had on a friendship that has spanned nearly two decades; intertwined in this mess, of course, is the affect that it has on my family–my children. In this respect, 2014 was very cruel to me–and I welcome it’s passing. Still, I’m left with so many more frightening questions and uncertainties of where I am now, and where I am going.

Another drastic sort of occurrence was the removal of my gallbladder–which came without much warning. Earlier in the year–and late in the previous year, as I think about it–I had suffered symptoms similar to those that I’d had the night before/morning of my gallbladder’s removal; I had felt incredibly ill, suffered terrible sweats and drastic cold chills–not to mention excruciating abdominal pain. Funny, on the morning of that last attack, I’d thought that I’d simply worked myself into one terrible emotional fervor related to my relationship woes. When the pain became too great to handle, I took myself to the hospital for help; hours later a diagnosis of an infected and dying gallbladder was made–surgery was eminent.

One great positive did surface around the last third of the year; I got a job! For nearly a year I had been searching for some sort of employment that would work with the scheduling needs of my family–that need became greater and even more difficult once I found myself a single parent. I was so discouraged–worse than discouraged–as prospects were so few and far between; then one day I found a posting for a “less-than” part-time position at a local business. At first, I believed that I shouldn’t bother, as I’d applied for positions with the company in years past; something, however, told me I should try–just as I’d been trying with every opportunity that I found. Much to my surprise, I was interviewed and hired.

It’s hard for me to say what the future holds. Honestly, there’s not much that I can forecast, given the hand that life dealt me this last round. I guess that I could say that I am somewhat cautiously optimistic–hoping for the best, yet still expecting and planning for the worst.

I would like to find myself in love, once more; to find that person that I hope to spend my life and eternity with. I don’t expect that it will happen–given the difficulties related to “finding” someone when one has children. I’d imagine it will also be rather difficult as I am still that shy, fearful person at my core–the same scared child that got incredibly nervous and awkward at the mere inkling of a smile from any member of the opposite sex in high school.

I still have a very strong desire to move away from this neighborhood, and to find a place better suited for my children. Since the divorce, that lofty goal has grown even more desired, as I wish to escape the memories associated with this place. I do hope that I may find some house available somewhere that I might be able to call home, and continue to raise my children in.

I hope that I might somehow manage to gain more responsibility and become more involved in my job and in the community. I’m not exactly sure of how to achieve this, though it does seem–at times–that I am actually taking steps toward these wishes everyday.

My vision for 2015 is rather blurred and hazy at this point. I do hope that the forecast calls for a lifting of this fog, and brings a future of bright sunny days…

I hate to say it, but it seems like this year is bringing one of the worst Christmases in my history.
I dunno.
I’m just a bit sad and depressed.
Barely any gifts for the children. Money issues, again, because I involved Diana I’m my life, again. Losing Diana multiple times this year. Losing those loving feelings for Diana. Being alone. Wanting to find someone to be nuts over–and wanting them to be nuts over me. It’s depressing.

more warped randomness…

I had to run to the school to drop something off for Violet, and got the opportunity to overhear a technical issue being had by someone in the office…

…that led to me mulling it over, and eventually looking up a possible solution and forwarding it via email once I got home. That somehow led me to heading over to the school’s technology blog, where I read the latest post, which asks, “How do you use the Internet?”

…and that led me to thinking of this [NSFW, btw…]:

Morning Randomness

…a pack of Captain’s Wafers left on the dining room table led me to remembering this:

…which led me to discovering this via a comment:

…which made me think of another Southern Culture on the Skids song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smplOTMkWPk

…which led me to another SCotS favorite:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql0Hh90WHv0

…which was used in an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch; unfortunately, I can’t find an “original” copy of that episode online. 🙁 All the episodes I’ve found online are the syndicated/DVD releases, which have had the music changed. Darned royalty crap. (The episode was “Witch Trash”–Season 2, Episode 9; the song was used in the montage piece around the 16min mark.)

EDIT: May 9, 2023 – I can’t remember what video was supposed to be in the section I just struck-through… Unfortunately, the video referenced no longer exists.

…and I got it!

While I was busy writing the previous post, a message came to my inbox among a slough of others. Somehow, the message didn’t trip my “Important” filters–oh, how I wish it had. So, I continued to write and relive the experience of yesterday in my mind, wondering if I’d hear back–wondering if I’d have a dream come true…

…well, it did!

A little over a half-hour ago, I received an offer for employment with the aforementioned business. Of course, I accepted it… 😉

I just can’t believe it!

…guess I’d better go and set my email filters to flag everything from their domain as important, now!

I interviewed for a job…

So, I interviewed for a dream job yesterday… knowing my luck, just saying this is enough to jinx it… 😛

I’d have to say the interview was the most awesome experience that I’ve had in my life–coming close to rivaling becoming a father! (Well, maybe not that close, but you get the idea.)

I don’t know; it’s kind of hard to try and think of words to describe how great it felt. With most interviews–even the ones that lead to asking someone if they’d like fries with their order–I end up feeling a bit nervous and apprehensive. For this interview, I felt rather calm and comfortable; about the only thing I did feel–and think I hid somewhat well–was a sense of wonder and disbelief that I was actually being seen by a business and industry that I’ve always had an interest in and fascination with. I have to admit that I did let some of my goofy enthusiasm and awe slip at the end of the session just before I left the office of the boss; out of nowhere, my inner child just had to speak up and say that he’d always dreamed of being a part of that organization. It was slightly embarrassing, but true.

I walked through the door and was greeted by the initial interviewer–the gentleman that would be my immediate superior. At that moment I felt so comfortable and welcome–and it felt so genuine, as well. If either of the guys end up discovering this silly little post, please take this bit of advice away–don’t ever change that; the mix of professionalism and “family” or “fraternal” openness that you exude is just so perfect and inviting. After the nice introduction, I was taken back to a separate room where I was introduced with some greater detail to what position I was applying for, and what further opportunities could be made available while being in their employ. Conversation also went into some of the duties and responsibilities that I have in other areas of my life, questioning whether there would ever be conflict between the two; that was an interesting little piece of the interview that I’d never experienced before, either. With other potential employers, most don’t seem to care about conflict and simply assume that they will always be number one, period. In this instance, I was asked if my other responsibilities would have to take precedence, or whether I would be able to manage them from their operations. I explained that my other responsibilities are mainly done in the background, and that the likelihood of conflict was extremely low.

Following this portion of the interview, I was given a tour of the facilities and introduced to the equipment, as well as two other employees. As far as the tour, things were pretty much as I expected–I’d taken a “virtual” tour of the location some time ago, as well as a tour of a former incarnation of the business many years ago. Having interest in the industry that the business operates also allowed for the tour to be near expectations as I’ve seen much of the equipment–or pieces like it–in magazines, catalogs and the like. Honestly, I saw a piece of equipment that I might have sold to them when I was employed at the local RadioShack!

After the tour, I sat for a very brief period to wait for the boss. Not once did I get nervous! And the interview with him went quite well. I don’t recall stammering or using any space-fillers in my speaking with him; everything just seemed to flow. What’s more, when it came time for the inevitable Q&A session, most of my questions leaned toward the business–essentially, I tried to “talk shop” with him–and that, too, came quite easily.

After a total of nearly 45 minutes, I walked away, feeling quite confident and sure of myself–something that I’ve never really felt in an interview before.

…pure joy…

“Things will get better.”

“It will be okay.”

“It’s hard, but you’ll pull through.”

“These things happen.”

“It just takes time.”

These words–we’ve heard them all before; all intended as some soothing comfort for a variety of circumstances that have led to bringing a person down. The words don’t mean much, and rarely, if ever, are they truly effective in making one feel better about a situation; still, it is nice to hear them on occasion. After a certain period of time, however, they too can become as painful as the event which has turned the troubled individual’s world upside down.

That’s where I’m at.

Each time that I hear these phrases or something akin, a dull, heated awl pierces my skin and plunges deep into my heart. Though it may have been a syringe of atropine that Nick Cage’s character injected into his own heart in order to save himself in “The Rock”, my mind’s eye paints a very similar scene; lying on the floor, convulsing, writhing in agony, and forcing something so unnatural into my chest.

I don’t know.

It’s been 87 days since my former wife and I separated; 14 days since I was divorced.

It’s been roughly 75 days since I began talking to someone, and seeing them as a potential light in my life. It’s been 38 days since I lost that someone, because I chose to help my children’s mother after her boyfriend attacked her.

It’s been 64 days since I was advised to fling poo at my ex’s door. I was also advised to try to go ahead and move on and find new love; the following day I began to express a deeper interest in that someone I eventually lost 15 days later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QuowOoJqZw&t=26m15s (my call begins at 26:15)

It’s been 7 hours and 15 days since someone took their love away from Prince.

I don’t know.

I’m finding it hard to believe that I might find someone after this. After all of this. I’m struggling to see that things will be better for me in life and love, honestly. It’s just very difficult.

…and to top it off, I’m to think of it as “pure joy” in trying to move through all this, as the testing of my abilities will make me persevere. (paraphrase of James 1:2-3)

I’m trying to persevere…

…but there’s nothing about it that I find joyful.

 

If you haven’t heard or figured out, then it’s time you knew…

My wife, Diana, and I are no longer together. I’ve no idea where to begin…

I suppose I shouldn’t call Diana my wife, as she will no longer be wearing that title–but what else could I have said to properly introduce you without an instant element of shock? Soon-to-be-ex-wife? Though this might be a bit painful, and though I might secretly wish ill of her at certain moments–as anyone in my position might do; I don’t really wish to speak ill of her–at least not in a public forum.

Facts, however, are undeniable–and though our fair Commonwealth holds itself as a “no fault” state–people do have the need and desire to know “what happened”. But first…

Vaguely, I remember the morning that I saw a new face ascend the steps of the school bus on a muggy morn, laced in dew and light fog. She seemed cold and hardened–by what I did not know–yet, I could see in her steely eyes that there was a passionate being, desperately crying to discover a life much better. The girl proceeded down the aisle, and sat beside me–as mine was the only occupied by me. I didn’t fully know it at the time, but still, this feeling came over me that this girl would become an important part of my life. A year or so later, that girl, Diana, entered my life once more.

Memories fail me at this moment as to precisely when, but I recall one evening hearing the phone ring, and it being announced that the call was for me–and it was a girl! Somehow, Diana had managed to discover the number to the family home, and took it upon herself to telephone me. This simple call led to years of talking with her over the phone–sometimes pleasant, other times not-so-pleasant–and occasionally, downright annoying. Diana expressed an interest in me–and, despite her stalker-like tendencies–I was developing an interest in her; friendship–or something akin–grew. She expressed her love and desire for me; I attempted to remain distant, as I couldn’t quite get over the frequency to which she called–she clung to me, gripped me, and tried to hold me as her own, though we weren’t a couple.

Diana had chased after me–quite literally–throughout our remaining years at Harrison County High School; yet, I never let her in or that close to me, until one night…

Each year, the cadets of the Kentucky 51st AFJROTC are treated to a “Military Ball”–a formal dance, where the men present themselves in full uniform and the ladies wear their best gowns and evening attire. I’m uncertain as to whether the 51st still holds the event, and if so, where it takes place today; in my days as a cadet, however, the event took place in the clubhouse of the Cynthiana Country Club. The venue–though small–seemed vast and expansive for someone like me. The dimly lit room, filled with smiling faces, surrounded by an exterior painted in the darkness of the evening–huge, lumbering trees proudly standing outside aided in developing this feeling that we were all in our own little world. Toward the end of the evening, Diana approached me, and we began to speak of her future–this was her last year at school; somewhere in the mix–I’m fairly certain–came talk of how she dreamed to find that special someone. Diana grew more comfortable, and drew nearer to me; I began to realize how uncomfortable my jacket and tie were… the DJ announced the last dance.

I cannot remember the music–I don’t recall it’s melody or whether there were lyrics to accompany it–but I do remember sharing that dance with her, and how she suddenly seemed to be the most beautiful woman in the room. We moved slowly. Held each other closely. Her eyes sparkled, glistened, twinkled and shone brighter than the light reflecting off the gown that covered her increasingly luscious frame. I could feel the heat of her body, radiating from her abdomen, penetrating the fabric that separated us. I began to wonder whether this feeling I was developing was love… We shared a moment that seemed to last an eternity; suddenly, the song ended, and I was overcome by an ice-cold shockwave of fear and confusion. I ran.

Years passed; Diana moved away. Soon, I discovered that she’d married. When she’d returned to visit her family, I was invited to meet her and her husband. Strangely, I felt a combined feeling of happiness and sadness. I had been overjoyed to discover that this dear friend had found love; the sadness felt, I can’t quite explain… months later, Diana began to telephone again, as her marriage had now fallen apart and dissolved–it seemed that Prince Charming was deeply flawed, and would much rather share his time with another woman in their bed.

Time passed, and our communiques fell to the wayside; our paths did not cross again until shortly after she returned to Cynthiana. Unfortunately, by the time I discovered her return, I’d learned she’d committed to someone else and was with child. The same joyful sadness visited me–though this time I was able to place a finger on the element of melancholy; a dear friend that had been so close to me had found love, and I was still searching. We reconnected as friends, again, and once more I became a shoulder to cry on. A year or two later, I was there when her world collapsed. Eventually, this close friendship developed into a relationship; soon after, marriage.

Eleven years of my life have–ten in marriage–have been spent with Diana. Over that period, we’ve had numerous ups and downs many of which you may know–and from my understanding, as I continue to hear from numerous friends, acquaintances, and strangers–many of you know too well. The past two weeks have shown me that there is no such thing as a secret or a private life–and, to be honest, it frightens me that people have learned so much, and how accurate some rumors can be.

Presently, Diana and I are separated; papers have been filed for divorce. To the best of my knowledge, she plans to wed in July–or when the divorce is finalized, whichever allows; this much I treat as fact and common knowledge, as she’s shared this with the children. The children and I continue to live in our home, and are dealing with this situation as best we can; we’ve received a great amount of emotional support and some additional support from the community and are very grateful. I’m attempting to locate employment, as I need to be able to support our family.

As for my feelings, I cannot truly say that I am “happy” as a void has been opened in my life; I can, however, say that I am dealing with the change fairly well, and feel slightly optimistic about my future. I’d be lying, however, if I said that I didn’t wish that I’d awaken to find that these past few weeks have been a very detailed nightmare.

As for Diana, I cannot say anything more than she states that she’s the happiest she’s been in life.

I do hope that this time is real for Diana, and pray that she’s finally found the love, security, and companionship she’s been searching for.

Maybe, someday, I’ll find mine…

—

I originally began writing this post on April 30–ten days following the day she left. I did not finish writing/revisit the post until today, May 9, 2014.