Category: Uncategorized

So here it is–January 1, 2015; that day where many of us sit and think about what we’ve done, and where we plan to be in the year that’s just begun. And here I am, left sitting, wondering where the time went, whether it was worth my while, and what I can do to try and make it better.

In many respects, 2014 wasn’t that great of a year for me; in some it helped to lay the path for what could be a better future–though optimism seems to be running a tad short due to certain events and feelings leaving me jaded.

The biggest change that took place in 2014 was the dissolution of a ten-year marriage, eleven-year relationship and the drastic effects it’s had on a friendship that has spanned nearly two decades; intertwined in this mess, of course, is the affect that it has on my family–my children. In this respect, 2014 was very cruel to me–and I welcome it’s passing. Still, I’m left with so many more frightening questions and uncertainties of where I am now, and where I am going.

Another drastic sort of occurrence was the removal of my gallbladder–which came without much warning. Earlier in the year–and late in the previous year, as I think about it–I had suffered symptoms similar to those that I’d had the night before/morning of my gallbladder’s removal; I had felt incredibly ill, suffered terrible sweats and drastic cold chills–not to mention excruciating abdominal pain. Funny, on the morning of that last attack, I’d thought that I’d simply worked myself into one terrible emotional fervor related to my relationship woes. When the pain became too great to handle, I took myself to the hospital for help; hours later a diagnosis of an infected and dying gallbladder was made–surgery was eminent.

One great positive did surface around the last third of the year; I got a job! For nearly a year I had been searching for some sort of employment that would work with the scheduling needs of my family–that need became greater and even more difficult once I found myself a single parent. I was so discouraged–worse than discouraged–as prospects were so few and far between; then one day I found a posting for a “less-than” part-time position at a local business. At first, I believed that I shouldn’t bother, as I’d applied for positions with the company in years past; something, however, told me I should try–just as I’d been trying with every opportunity that I found. Much to my surprise, I was interviewed and hired.

It’s hard for me to say what the future holds. Honestly, there’s not much that I can forecast, given the hand that life dealt me this last round. I guess that I could say that I am somewhat cautiously optimistic–hoping for the best, yet still expecting and planning for the worst.

I would like to find myself in love, once more; to find that person that I hope to spend my life and eternity with. I don’t expect that it will happen–given the difficulties related to “finding” someone when one has children. I’d imagine it will also be rather difficult as I am still that shy, fearful person at my core–the same scared child that got incredibly nervous and awkward at the mere inkling of a smile from any member of the opposite sex in high school.

I still have a very strong desire to move away from this neighborhood, and to find a place better suited for my children. Since the divorce, that lofty goal has grown even more desired, as I wish to escape the memories associated with this place. I do hope that I may find some house available somewhere that I might be able to call home, and continue to raise my children in.

I hope that I might somehow manage to gain more responsibility and become more involved in my job and in the community. I’m not exactly sure of how to achieve this, though it does seem–at times–that I am actually taking steps toward these wishes everyday.

My vision for 2015 is rather blurred and hazy at this point. I do hope that the forecast calls for a lifting of this fog, and brings a future of bright sunny days…

I hate to say it, but it seems like this year is bringing one of the worst Christmases in my history.
I dunno.
I’m just a bit sad and depressed.
Barely any gifts for the children. Money issues, again, because I involved Diana I’m my life, again. Losing Diana multiple times this year. Losing those loving feelings for Diana. Being alone. Wanting to find someone to be nuts over–and wanting them to be nuts over me. It’s depressing.