July 23, 2007 – ENG101

The following entry was originally written in class, and was transcribed at a later date.
I am sitting in the classroom. Currently I am one of two people occupying the room. But that is no matter – at least not a matter worthy of writing about. This makes the third? fourth? fifth? time that I have sat down in a class and started writing. The purpose of these writings are so that I may have more material to place in my blogs. I have yet to post anything. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. I hate typing from my handwritten notes and journals.
A little less than fifteen minutes until the beginning of class.
I drew a smiley on the dry-erase board in the rear of the classroom. I wonder if anyone will notice.
I posted the text from the assignment I am turning in tonight.
Viewable on LJ and MySpace.
I am one of five students now.
I really didn’t wan to leave home this evening. I’m glad I did. I enjoy sitting in a class. School is fun.
Oh, dear God. I think that I have the longest paper in the class. One student just said that his paper two pages. One is guessing that hers is three and one-half pages – guessing because they didn’t format it correctly. My paper is ten pages.
I am tired. And hungry. And thirsty.
I left my bottle of Dasani in the car. Maybe I’ll get it in an hour.
Four minutes.
It seems that (based upon what I am overhearing) I am the only person in the class who gives a shit.
One minute. The instructor has entered.
One of five. The sixth is out there somewhere. Who knows what happened to the other five, or was it six?
Ah, two minutes passed the hour, and we have taken roll.
Turned in the papers.
Ah, number six just joined us. Four minutes passed the hour.
————-
6:57p.m. So we’re taking a break now. We’ve spent the last hour discussing the possibilities of the next writing assignment. What fun.
Now there is a discussion about a couple of teens who stole a cruiser in Frankfort, or something like that. The student that guesses that they wrote three pages apparently knows one of the teens. Small world.
So, now we’re getting back to work.
————-
Class dismissed at 7:50p.m.

July 17, 2007 – FYE101

The following entry was originally wrote in class, and has been transcribed at a later date.
So, its fifteen after five, and I’m sitting in the classroom. Have forty-five minutes to wait. Tonight is FYE.
I just came from the computer lab across the hall – I had been there finishing up an assignment. We’re supposed to take notes on each chapter we read. I hadn’t been. Hell, I hadn’t been reading either. So, I spent this afternoon outlining the chapters we were supposed to have read up to tonight. Six of ’em. Typed notes. I came up with eleven pages worth of notes.Wasn’t fun either. I had to do one through five at the office, because the power was out at home. Just did number six here.
Well, I don’t know. Maybe it was fun.
Almost 5:30.
I’m tired. I wanna go to sleep. Oh well.
I missed last week. Damned car. I had no brake pads on the rear passenger. I did have the fortune of riding in with Shandra last Wednesday, however. That was fun. I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow. I want to feel  the wind again. Knowing my luck it’ll rain, and she’ll have to have the top up. Oh yeah, she’s giving me a lift tomorrow, too.
I had breakfast about an hour ago. I had been out this morning, so I never got the chance.
Now it’s 5:30.
Only thirty more minutes of sitting, waiting for class to begin.
My handwriting is getting worse. Damned computers. Not much need to write by hand anymore. Only need to know your name – and even that can be replaced. Biometrics. Finger-print technology. Just stick your thumb, and you’ll be set. I’d much rather do that than sign my name. Even though my signature is rather interesting. I like it anyway.
Sleepy. I am sleepy.
Little more than twenty minutes to go. I’d go have a smoke, but I’m nearly out of cigarettes.

Next ENG101 Assignment

So, I am supposed to be coming up with a paper for ENG101/Composition I.
I have got my idea. I have got an outline of sorts. I found some reference materials. All I need to do is sit down and start writing. Simple enough. For some reason, I haven’t though.
I’m going to be writing about blogging.
Fun.
Yes, I chose the topic. Freely. My own choice.
Here’s the catch. It’s a process analysis; meaning I am to give instruction on how to, and/or instruction on how it is done.
Yep. I’m crazy.
So, like, I’m going to write the paper for the novice, who has no clue as to what blogging is, or what the background is, or blah blah blah….
I may be in over my head. But, hey, I like a challenge.

An Extended Definition of Borderline Personality Disorder: The Labyrinth

Here’s a writing I am turning in for class tonight:

 

An Extended Definition of Borderline Personality Disorder:

The Labyrinth

Jeremiah Hall Palmer

ENG101

Sullivan University

 

A room. A large room. Not just any room – an expansive room, filled with the absence of light. The room is familiar, and yet, there is something very unsettling about it. The room change, shifts, reconstructs itself. All the basic elements are there – walls, doors, ceilings, floors – everything familiar and known is present. The room changes. The doorway that had been only a few feet from you has now somehow gone ten feet away, and leads to somewhere else. The room changes. The labyrinth grows. You are lost in the maze of darkness, and everything that you should know about the room proves incorrect, yet at other instances all logic prevails, and a bit of light may be shed and you find your way.

 

While the analogy above may sound more like a partial synopsis of The Navidson Record (Danielewski, 2000), it’s purpose is to serve as a definition of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – and what the sufferers; meaning the person having the symptoms and diagnosis of the mental syndrome; as well as the persons within the life of the diagnosed experience.

 

According the American Psychological Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition (DSM-IV), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as a condition where a person’s mentality and emotions vary from the norm by showing instability in overall behavior, self-image, identity, mood, relationships, and the classification of things in terms “black and white”, or “right or wrong.” These aspects are further outlined in the criteria listed in the DSM-IV, and are offered as a guideline for possible diagnosis, where a person suffering from BPD will show five of the nine listed symptoms. (APA, 2004)

 

Commonly, the BP has issues with interpersonal relationships. This causes tremendous troubles for both the BP and the non-BP. The BP may exhibit a lack of trust in the non-BP, and show violent or irregular changes in attitude toward the non-BP. Reasons for these trust and anger issues may vary, and typically will, for the issue lies deep within the BP’s previous life experiences. The BP may have been a victim of some sort of abuse, be it emotional, physical, or sexual (Wikipedia, 2007). These experiences then influence the attitude of the BP, and the feelings get applied toward the non-BP. This transgression is not done intentionally; meaning that the BP truly wishes to behave in this manner, however; the attitude is brought about as a defense mechanism. The BP has been put on edge – a high alert, and looks for any sign that they might be hurt once more.

 

The walls. The doors. The floors. Familiar elements of this room. But something is different, something changes, the room has gotten bigger. The doors are further away.

 

A BP can enter into a relationship not expecting anything more than what any other person may expect. Things may seem fine or normal. Then the BP will start looking for the signs (Harvard, June 2006). The non-BP may make the normal changes within their attitude as everyone is susceptible to doing. This simple change may scare the BP; therefore causing a sudden rift in their attitude, causing a change in the way they look at things, and in turn causing a change in how the non-BP sees their friend/partner.

 

When people enter into a relationship, they typically show all of their good points, and get comfortable with one another before letting their lesser points slide in. One may be dating a person for a few weeks, going out to dinners and movies, and show full proper manners, and then there will come that one night where someone breaks. While this example may be a bit stretched, it does show how one changes their appearance over time, until they feel comfortable with the other. This simple thing however, may in fact be just enough to make a BP start looking at the non-BP in a different light.

 

“My ex had terrible gas,” the BP may think, and then start looking for signs and other attributes that this non- has with their former partner. This new non-BP, who has only broke wind, has now become like the others.

 

Abandonment is also a strong fear of BP’s. Feelings of abandonment stretch outside the walls of a close coupled relationship, and may involve relationships shared among friends. These feelings of abandonment may stem to the root of the BP’s psychosis, or may have come as symptoms of the BPD. In the flatulent example aforementioned, the BP may have eventually gone far in assigning negative attributes to the non-; and the non- simply grew tired of this poor soul’s baggage and left. Whether the non- left on good terms or abruptly left the relationship makes no difference to the BP – they were for all intensive purposes, abandoned. The BP was abandoned because the non- just couldn’t take the c
hanges in personality. The non- had been drawn into the BP’s labyrinth, grew scared, and finally found the door behind them, and ran out.

 

The room is very dark and grows darker still. The BP searches for a way out.

 

The BP may become, or may have been long since suicidal. Their life is empty. Nobody sticks around. Not a single soul in the world for them no one to love or trust. Sadly, among 8-10% of BPs find suicide as their way out of this maddening maze (Wikipedia, 2007). Still more turn to other destructive behavior such as drug abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity, and so on, if they haven’t already (Harvard, June 2006). Thankfully, the majority searches for a light.

 

In the search for a way to light this dark room, the BP may actively search for friends. During this search, the BP will also be desperately searching for various ways to gain approval of the people around them. In the desperate acts of approval seeking, the BP may be viewed as child-like, constantly finding inappropriate times to interject, or add to a conversation, sharing experiences which may have no light on a particular subject, following people, consistent rambling, hyperactivity, and so on. Due to this behavior the BP may just drive the nons- away, thus fulfilling their fears of abandonment once again. A vicious cycle has come complete again, and starts once more.

 

BPs may find light, however, through therapy. Therapy, however, can become just as troubling as the disorder.

 

The Grand Hall, just down the corridor from the large darkened room. Even darker. Still no light. A large spiral staircase in the center. The staircase, more frightening, leads to the depths of the issue.

 

Somewhere along the way, the BP may have been diagnosed, or they may just realize that their symptoms deserve attention, so they seek therapy; where they shall become diagnosed as a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, if not many more psychological disorders (Harvard, 2006). In either case the BP has most likely come to therapy, entered The Grand Hall, to receive help with the symptoms – the trust issues, the anxiety and depression. The counselor (inclusive of therapist, psychiatrist, and psychologist) leads them to the staircase – the disorder itself. This long dark and twisting shaft is lined with many steps, many symptoms. The hole that they lead down is the disorder, and the depth of the hole, the number of steps leading down, can only be influenced by how the BP thinks and chooses to interpret things. A scary walkway to look at for the BP, and the counselor. Truth be told, the counselors are typically more fearful of the treatment than the BP (Harvard, 2007).

 

Enter the minotaur – the stigma of this labyrinth known as Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

With all the knowledge that counselors have of BPD, they have the misfortune of having to expect anything and everything from the patient. The counselors know the definition of BPD; unsettling and unstable moods, rage, suicidal thoughts, self-injury, fears of abandonment, intimacy issues; over-all volatile behavior (Harvard, 2007). With this information, it’s hard to enter into a session without some slight. More difficult still, is the nature of the disorder. Personality disorders are just that – a problem entwined within a personality, the very being of a person. Defining a line between the being and the human is difficult, if not nearly impossible. The problem is magnified where the personality is that of a borderline nature, meaning it can change randomly at any given moment, as opposed to its akin; Bipolar, which changes on a more patterned cyclic rate (Wikipedia, 2007). [To continue with illustrative efforts, bipolar persons are more like funhouses. The journey may be scary and fun, and there is a definite end to the cycle before you re-enter.]

 

The stigma then plays into the BP’s psychosis; the counselor has failed the BP. There is no help or hope. Abandonment, yet again.

 

There have, however, been several good attempts at therapy, yet these styles of therapy do not show definitive solutions for the disorder. Therapy for the BP has been tried in one on one sessions, as well as in group sessions such as groups of BPs being counseled, or couples therapy for the BP and non-BP. Two forms of therapy have shown good response in BPD diagnosed patients. One therapy style, Schema-Focused Therapy (focuses on childhood, daily life, emotion and defining thereof), has shown full recovery of some patients after a four-year term, while having a larger number “showing clinically significant improvement.” Dialectical behavioral therapy (logic reasoning, weighing and exchanging points and ideas) has shown some use in an effort to stop suicidal and self-injury tendencies, and is more welcomed by BPs in opposition of traditional psychoanalysis; however dialectical has yet to prove any effectiveness in treatment of BPD. (Harvard, June 2006)

 

There are no medications for BPD itself; whereas a BP can be medicated for certain symptoms or a concurrent mental health diso
rder. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) have been used to aid in the improvement of anxiety and depression. Antipsychotics have also been tried in attempts to alleviate impulsivity and suicidal attempts. Anticonvulsants have been used as well, and have shown effects in stabilizing the mood of BPs. (Harvard, July 2006)

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is an enigma to everyone involved. A large puzzle without a solution. A maze without a map. A deep dark labyrinth. Though the single sufferer may never be completely cured (Harvard, July 2006), they may, however, through therapy and the determined support of trusting friends and partners, be able to make it through without having the house cave in on them.


References

American Psychiatric Association, (2004). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV-TR (Text Revision). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Borderline Personality Disorder. (2007). In Wikipedia [Web]. Retrieved July 6, 2007, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

Danielewski, M (2000). House of Leaves. Toronto, Canada: Random House.

Harvard Health Publications, (2007, January).The stigma of borderline personality. Harvard Mental Health Letter. 6.

Harvard Health Publications, (2006, July).Borderline personality disorder: Treatment. Harvard Mental Health Letter. 3-5.

Harvard Health Publications, (2006, June).Borderline perosnality disorder: Origins and symptoms. Harvard Mental Health Letter. 22, 1-3.

FYE – the class; not the music store…

I’ve got a little over an hour until I have to go to leave to go to school. And I’m bored.
Tonight is FYE101. First Year Experience. A.k.a. Information Literacy. Fun stuff.
The class is a sort of primer, I guess. It’s supposed to, well, I really don’t know how to describe what the class is supposed to do. Here’s a description of the text, yanked from Amazon:

Book Description
Succeed in college like never before! STEP BY STEP TO COLLEGE AND CAREER SUCCESS shows you how. With the authors’ signature “12 Steps” approach, you’ll see how small changes can make a big difference. Whether you’re looking for better grades, stronger academic skills, or a successful transition to (or advancement in) the working world, STEP BY STEP TO COLLEGE AND CAREER SUCCESS is the textbook you need to get there.

Why twelve steps? I dunno. Maybe they wanted the process to be familiar to students who are recovering addicts.