Tag: thoughts and stuff

Untitled Entry for October 17, 2015

[This post was originally authored elsewhere. I’ve since decided to include it here.]

One thing that I’ve discovered is how much more emotionally exhausting being a single parent can be. It’s hard to try to be everything to the children, and to be there without falling apart in front of them. Fielding the commentary of how they wish that their mother was with us and still a part of our family brings up so many different feelings and emotions inside of me. How do I respond?

Most of the time, I simply tel the child, “I know,” and that “I wish she was here, too.”

…and sometimes, I do wish that their mother was still with us. It’s difficult to say why I fell that way, though. Is it because I wish I could grant the children that wish? Is it because I miss that family element that we’d had for over a decade? Is it because I am lonely?

Other times, I wish that their mother would find a way to grow more distant from us, because of all the heartache and pain that she’s brought–and continues to bring–upon this family.

[Republished March 27, 2016]

I’m finding it difficult to understand Diana–perhaps more so than before; yet, it’s not eating at me as it had so many times before…
I wish that I could share this with her; express to her some of my confusion and misunderstandings…
…but, I know that I can’t, because it only seems to aggravate her. Honestly, I believe that the aggravation she feels comes from her own confusion.
I’d love to have the chance to talk with her about some of the things she says she reflects upon–to see if when she thinks of the past year and all of the things she’s done, whether there is at any point the wish to return to or start a new life with me.

I Quit.

I’ve never said those words–“I quit.”

…at least, I’ve never really said them and truly meant them before. Well, maybe that’s a lie; I’ve said them, and meant them–but I’ve been in some of the deepest darkest depressions or some sort of situation where I feel like I have been brutally beaten down by someone or something.

I hate the idea of considering myself a quitter of anything. I’ve always been the type to believe that if you want to do something, then you should devote everything that you have to it, and that you should never give up, under any circumstance. Maybe that’s why I took it so hard when my marriage fell apart. Again. And Again. And Again. But that’s an entirely different story.

I don’t mind admitting defeat. That’s a sign that you’ve actually done something–and learned something. And in the admission of defeat, one is continuing to show that they are learning… you know? I see it as a process of just continued growth and dedication. Make sense?

But quitting…

…but that’s where I’ve found myself. Wanting to quit.

I woke this morning to the sound of my phone ringing–alerting me, shortly after 4AM–that a Winter Storm Warning had been issued. I swiped at the screen, ignoring the call, and rolled back over, to try to drift back to sleep. As I laid there in the darkness, I began to wonder why I’d even set up those alerts and wake-up calls so many years ago, when it seems like nobody cares. I also began to try to think of how many hours of sleep I’ve missed or otherwise had interrupted by these alerts, notifications, and phone calls. And then, I thought of an argument that arose earlier this week…

Too many arguments, too many fights, too many disagreements have come up in my life surrounding some of the things I do–or try to do. And I’ve always tried to do my best at it… and all it’s done is get in the way of so many other things… and left me feeling even worse for wear. And my level of involvement or dedication–while it reaches that point of being nearly too much for me, is still quite small in the grand scheme of things. So, it often feels as if I’m fighting some great battle that doesn’t need to be fought. Or something like that.

Since the late ’90s I’ve been involved in trying to manage an online world for the local EM–at the very start of my toying with an online presence, I think it was still DES! That little project was started by my dad–who simply volunteered his time to the agency at that point–and then picked up by me. I wish I still had the HTML files I’d written back then–or that I could remember which section of GeoCities the first incarnation of the site had been on. Eventually, in August of ’01, I asked if I could actually be a recognized member of the team. A few short minutes later, I was. Following that, I began to dedicate even more time to presenting the best online media relations that I could.

I tried to do my best in keeping up education and training requirements as well–but life happened; finding myself becoming a husband and a father got in the way of furthering those aspects of my volunteer career. I still tried my best to juggle the online stuff, though.

With the advent of social media, I took on more responsibilities and created accounts on Twitter and Facebook, long before any other agency in the area realized the importance of these newly born tools–my accounts pre-date nearly every agency in the Commonwealth, including the state’s own accounts! I began to share PSAs and weather bulletins–some original, many copied. I’d drive around and take photos of storm damage–floods, ice, winds, etc.–and post them online to the website, media accounts, and photo-sharing services. Eventually, I developed a following; my sense of responsibility grew.

As the years pressed on, I continued to share and post; I continued to develop and find ways of getting the most timely information to everyone. My phone became my best friend throughout most of this. Now, it’s become a hated symbol of wasted time and effort, waking me at 4 in the morning, reminding me of the fights that go nowhere.

Earlier this week, I voiced an opinion–perhaps a bit misguided, though I’m not entirely sure–on a topic related to the current “emergency” that’s affecting the community; that opinion turned into a nice little fight between my mother and I. To be honest, I still don’t fully understand why it got so heated.

 

Narcissism? Not Necessarily…

So, it hit the news a few weeks–maybe a month–ago that dudes taking tons of “selfies” are potentially narcissistic whack-jobs; and this news, though fairly old–seriously, go google it–has been repeated a thousand times over. Thing is, it does make a bit of sense, doesn’t it? Couldn’t you see Christian Bale’s character in American Psycho just snapping pic after pic of himself and posting them to Facebook?

…all this attention to the male selfie news has made me question why I take so many on occasion–am I narcissistic? Well, maybe a little… but that’s not why I think I take so many pictures of myself. The fact of the matter is, I’m fat and worthless. At least, I used to be. I saw myself that way, anyway. Maybe I still do, at times. Yeah, sometimes, I still do–and the selfies are taken with disbelief; do I really look this way? Am I really in better health? Am I really attractive?

Other psychological aspects to the taking of these images relate to some of what I am going through in discovering myself as being single. Am I attractive enough? Is there something inherently wrong with me that I cannot see? Am I a good person? Why am I alone?

What’s bad, is that the self-doubt has been around a fairly long time–some of it stemming from my youth, and quite a bit from my failed marriage.

 

The Road Behind & Ahead: Reflections of 2014 and hopes for 2015

So here it is–January 1, 2015; that day where many of us sit and think about what we’ve done, and where we plan to be in the year that’s just begun. And here I am, left sitting, wondering where the time went, whether it was worth my while, and what I can do to try and make it better.

In many respects, 2014 wasn’t that great of a year for me; in some it helped to lay the path for what could be a better future–though optimism seems to be running a tad short due to certain events and feelings leaving me jaded.

The biggest change that took place in 2014 was the dissolution of a ten-year marriage, eleven-year relationship and the drastic effects it’s had on a friendship that has spanned nearly two decades; intertwined in this mess, of course, is the affect that it has on my family–my children. In this respect, 2014 was very cruel to me–and I welcome it’s passing. Still, I’m left with so many more frightening questions and uncertainties of where I am now, and where I am going.

Another drastic sort of occurrence was the removal of my gallbladder–which came without much warning. Earlier in the year–and late in the previous year, as I think about it–I had suffered symptoms similar to those that I’d had the night before/morning of my gallbladder’s removal; I had felt incredibly ill, suffered terrible sweats and drastic cold chills–not to mention excruciating abdominal pain. Funny, on the morning of that last attack, I’d thought that I’d simply worked myself into one terrible emotional fervor related to my relationship woes. When the pain became too great to handle, I took myself to the hospital for help; hours later a diagnosis of an infected and dying gallbladder was made–surgery was eminent.

One great positive did surface around the last third of the year; I got a job! For nearly a year I had been searching for some sort of employment that would work with the scheduling needs of my family–that need became greater and even more difficult once I found myself a single parent. I was so discouraged–worse than discouraged–as prospects were so few and far between; then one day I found a posting for a “less-than” part-time position at a local business. At first, I believed that I shouldn’t bother, as I’d applied for positions with the company in years past; something, however, told me I should try–just as I’d been trying with every opportunity that I found. Much to my surprise, I was interviewed and hired.

It’s hard for me to say what the future holds. Honestly, there’s not much that I can forecast, given the hand that life dealt me this last round. I guess that I could say that I am somewhat cautiously optimistic–hoping for the best, yet still expecting and planning for the worst.

I would like to find myself in love, once more; to find that person that I hope to spend my life and eternity with. I don’t expect that it will happen–given the difficulties related to “finding” someone when one has children. I’d imagine it will also be rather difficult as I am still that shy, fearful person at my core–the same scared child that got incredibly nervous and awkward at the mere inkling of a smile from any member of the opposite sex in high school.

I still have a very strong desire to move away from this neighborhood, and to find a place better suited for my children. Since the divorce, that lofty goal has grown even more desired, as I wish to escape the memories associated with this place. I do hope that I may find some house available somewhere that I might be able to call home, and continue to raise my children in.

I hope that I might somehow manage to gain more responsibility and become more involved in my job and in the community. I’m not exactly sure of how to achieve this, though it does seem–at times–that I am actually taking steps toward these wishes everyday.

My vision for 2015 is rather blurred and hazy at this point. I do hope that the forecast calls for a lifting of this fog, and brings a future of bright sunny days…

I hate to say it, but it seems like this year is bringing one of the worst Christmases in my history.
I dunno.
I’m just a bit sad and depressed.
Barely any gifts for the children. Money issues, again, because I involved Diana I’m my life, again. Losing Diana multiple times this year. Losing those loving feelings for Diana. Being alone. Wanting to find someone to be nuts over–and wanting them to be nuts over me. It’s depressing.

…and I got it!

While I was busy writing the previous post, a message came to my inbox among a slough of others. Somehow, the message didn’t trip my “Important” filters–oh, how I wish it had. So, I continued to write and relive the experience of yesterday in my mind, wondering if I’d hear back–wondering if I’d have a dream come true…

…well, it did!

A little over a half-hour ago, I received an offer for employment with the aforementioned business. Of course, I accepted it… 😉

I just can’t believe it!

…guess I’d better go and set my email filters to flag everything from their domain as important, now!

I interviewed for a job…

So, I interviewed for a dream job yesterday… knowing my luck, just saying this is enough to jinx it… 😛

I’d have to say the interview was the most awesome experience that I’ve had in my life–coming close to rivaling becoming a father! (Well, maybe not that close, but you get the idea.)

I don’t know; it’s kind of hard to try and think of words to describe how great it felt. With most interviews–even the ones that lead to asking someone if they’d like fries with their order–I end up feeling a bit nervous and apprehensive. For this interview, I felt rather calm and comfortable; about the only thing I did feel–and think I hid somewhat well–was a sense of wonder and disbelief that I was actually being seen by a business and industry that I’ve always had an interest in and fascination with. I have to admit that I did let some of my goofy enthusiasm and awe slip at the end of the session just before I left the office of the boss; out of nowhere, my inner child just had to speak up and say that he’d always dreamed of being a part of that organization. It was slightly embarrassing, but true.

I walked through the door and was greeted by the initial interviewer–the gentleman that would be my immediate superior. At that moment I felt so comfortable and welcome–and it felt so genuine, as well. If either of the guys end up discovering this silly little post, please take this bit of advice away–don’t ever change that; the mix of professionalism and “family” or “fraternal” openness that you exude is just so perfect and inviting. After the nice introduction, I was taken back to a separate room where I was introduced with some greater detail to what position I was applying for, and what further opportunities could be made available while being in their employ. Conversation also went into some of the duties and responsibilities that I have in other areas of my life, questioning whether there would ever be conflict between the two; that was an interesting little piece of the interview that I’d never experienced before, either. With other potential employers, most don’t seem to care about conflict and simply assume that they will always be number one, period. In this instance, I was asked if my other responsibilities would have to take precedence, or whether I would be able to manage them from their operations. I explained that my other responsibilities are mainly done in the background, and that the likelihood of conflict was extremely low.

Following this portion of the interview, I was given a tour of the facilities and introduced to the equipment, as well as two other employees. As far as the tour, things were pretty much as I expected–I’d taken a “virtual” tour of the location some time ago, as well as a tour of a former incarnation of the business many years ago. Having interest in the industry that the business operates also allowed for the tour to be near expectations as I’ve seen much of the equipment–or pieces like it–in magazines, catalogs and the like. Honestly, I saw a piece of equipment that I might have sold to them when I was employed at the local RadioShack!

After the tour, I sat for a very brief period to wait for the boss. Not once did I get nervous! And the interview with him went quite well. I don’t recall stammering or using any space-fillers in my speaking with him; everything just seemed to flow. What’s more, when it came time for the inevitable Q&A session, most of my questions leaned toward the business–essentially, I tried to “talk shop” with him–and that, too, came quite easily.

After a total of nearly 45 minutes, I walked away, feeling quite confident and sure of myself–something that I’ve never really felt in an interview before.