Tag: thoughts and stuff

your depressed ramblings for february 18, 2012

I have been staring at a blank computer screen. well, relatively blank. not really blank. there’s stuff on the screen. but it might as well be blank. there should be words on the screen–words that are my own; an essay speaking about a short story that I just read. but there is nothing there. I haven’t figured out what to say. There isn’t really anything that I would like to say. my mind is elsewhere. i am focused on other issues. things that are much more important than a silly essay. and in some weird way, I know that some of what I am feeling can be harnessed for what I just read. Maybe that is part of the issue. I cannot write because the feelings are so similar. I cannot write because the tale speaks of love, betrayal, dreaming for more, losing a heart’s desire, desperately grasping for a better knowledge of things that have happened–influences of certain situations, etc.

life sucks.

love sucks.

literature sucks.

people suck.

wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where we had no fears? a world where we were all honest to one another? a world where we didn’t lie? a world where we didn’t cheat? a world where we didn’t steal? a world where we respected one another? a world where we were truly conscious of other’s feelings? a world where we truly knew the risks and consequences of our actions? a world where there wasn’t any jealousy? no inferiority? no esteem issues?

we have no reason to think any higher of our own self in comparison to another, do we? no reason to think any lessor of our own self? then we do we? why do we allow ourselves to beat one another? hurt one another? use one another? what is there to gain from this?

…and what bothers me more is the thought that there are quite a few that do not stop to take the time to think of these things. those who are too busy creating these problems. those who act without fearing consequence. those who are deceitful. those who have no respect for anyone other than themselves. those who believe that they are better. those who believe that they can take advantage of a situation for personal gain, damning everyone else that stands in the way. selfishness. egotism. narcissism.

blah.

(formerly) private for December 25, 2011

[edit 3/13/2012: this post was originally set to "diana's eyes only". given the recent changes, there's no need to keep this one private…]

i dunno.

hearing the words "i don't think i'll ever be happy" doesn't necessarily make me feel any better…

Diana and I were talking last night about…

Our past… I guess…

And things that we feel.

I think that ask she was meaning was that she would likely never find any man that could ever make her happy… Not that she's looking…not that she is even considering looking…

I dunno.

It was her trying to say that she recognizes that she would look at anyone and see fault. even if she didn't see fault immediately, she would likely make an issue arise.

Still. I dunno. Doesn't make me feel any better.

Funny in a way. She says she thinks I settled. But her words… They seem to make it sound like she settled.

sigh

I love her.

How can I make her happy?

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