Author: kg4vma

sometimes i wonder whether i am actually doing enough…
do i really make her happy?
why does it seem like she’s still unhappy with me?
and why …
…does it really matter what others think?
“i hope he calms down”
“i hope he does for your sake”
“he is slowly”
i don’t know…

There will be a show tonight on trampoline. I don’t know. It’s been too long since I have had the chance to write anything, so I thought I would. And I started it off by stealing words from John Lennon. I don’t really know what all to say right now. things have just been, I don’t know, eh? Is eh even a good way to express how things have been? I don’t know, and really can’t think of anything to say, so I think I won’t say anything at all, except: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Music can say a lot about of a person. The types of music that a person listens to at a point in time may also reflect their current mood and feelings. If all of what I just wrote bears any truth, then what would you say my current mood is based upon the following playlist:

Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians – What I Am
Moby – The Sky is Broken
Simon & Garfunkel – Sound of Silence
REM – Shiny Happy People
The Cranberries – When You’re Gone
The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony
Blind Melon – No Rain
4 Non Blondes – What’s Going On
Stealers Wheel – Stuck in the Middle With You
Weezer – Island in the Sun
Moby – Porcelain
John Lennon – Imagine
Mamas & the Papas – Dream a Little Dream
Loreena McKennitt – The Mummers Dance
Evanescence – Bring Me to Life
Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time
Billy Joel – She’s Always a Woman
Moby – My Weakness

I’m kinda depressed. I feel …….

Diana went to karaoke. I’m here with Taron. He’s sleeping in my arms at this moment. Diana’s upset that we don’t do anything anymore.

I’m constantly tired, and really don’t wanna go anywhere. I’d rather be at home with my loved ones, rather than in dank and seedy bars surrounded by booze, in thick smoke, and outrageously loud music. I don’t enjoy that anymore. I can’t.

I have so much to worry about, and no way out.

…….. trapped.

I constantly feel like I am about to break into tears.

I put on a nice facade when I’m at work. I try to anyway.

My hair has gotten thick and is getting some length. I look very grizzly where I haven’t shaved in a few days. I look like …….

Diana got let go from her temp job. Shouldn’t be surprising. The key factor in temp jobs is the fact that they are temporary. Of course she was expecting it to last longer.

She put her car in the shop a day prior. Wrote a post-dated check for the bill which would’ve been good, had she been employed all the way through to the date it was written for. $730.

……. hell. I don’t know.

Years ago, when I was in high school, I had an English teacher who would have the class keep a journal. The first ten minutes of class was dedicated to writing journal entries. I wasn’t that good at doing so. I struggled to think of something to write, that I would be willing to share with anyone other than myself.

I guess things have changed.

I wish that it would rain.

Baby formula stinks. Baby formula burps really stink.

Poor Taron. Your father is nuts. Your mother ….. your father loves her tremendously. Your father wishes he could do more for the both of you. Unfortunetely, he feels as if he’s failing. Your father loves you.

I love you Taron. Forgive me for not being the best. I wish Diana was here. I need her.

It has been a while since I have had the chance to write anything in this blog. Life has been rather hectic for me over the past few weeks.

We finally moved out of the mother-in-law’s. There was a big arguement between Diana and her mother, and it finally made us both so pissed off that we finally declared that we were out of there. The fun part was breaking the news to my family, which had yet to be fully moved out of their current home.

It was rather fun, trying to move them out and us in at the same time. Somehow, we did it.

So, Diana, Taron, and I are living in our own home now. What could be better.

Diana got a job a few days ago. She’s working in a factory in Paris, about 30 miles away. She’s a temp, but hopefully thejob can pan out and she can be staffed there in a few months.

I’m still in the dead end job that I love and adore.

I wonder how we’ll survive.

I have no schooling past that of high school. (My stupid ass thought that I might just take a year off, get a job, and squirrel away a small amount of money ’till the following year when I would go to college. That was five years ago.) I am not qualified to do anything more than manual labor, flip burgers, or bag groceries. I am going nowhere.

I cannot provide for my family.

I am a failure.

That’s how I get sometimes. I just want to do so much, just come out and fully express myself by doing something, or several somethings, and just have no outlet to do so. The build up is terrible. If only there were some way to masturbate one’s mind.

There are so many things that I would like to do. I just can’t get any of it done.

On another note:

I’ve been acting a little bit differently lately. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the change of being a father. I’ve been, I don’t know, just different. I’m no longer listening to the music that I usually listen (or had been listening) to. I’ve reverted to listening to a local AM broadcast, and have been doing so for the past week and a half. It’s kind of comforting I guess.

When I was a young child, that station (which used to broadcast simultaneously on an FM frequency) was mainly what my parents listened to, or, at least, from what I can remember.

I’ve been wanting to cry. Not for any appearent reason, just to feel the tears swell up in my eyes and run down my face.

I’ve been laughing and giggling more often, which is something that I do when I can find no other way to deal with a problem.

Maybe I’m stressed. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just growing up.

I spend a lot of time with Taron during the nights. I change and feed him, which is a task that I absolutely love to do. Diana thinks that I’m a little odd because of that. She says that most men really don’t go in for doing that sort of thing. I can’t see why a father wouldn’t want to partake in the care of their child, even if it meant doing something that was once thought to be “woman’s work”.

“Woman’s work” bothers me. Not the type of work associated with that title, just the title itself. Their is no such thing as woman’s work, except for childbirth. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, those are responsibilties that ALL must share. I in fact love doing those chores, and prefer to do so, rather than having Diana do them. Just wish I had the time.

I can’t wait until we’re outta here. Hopefully we’ll be in our own home in a month. God I pray that the time will come soon.

I wish that I could just pick up and leave. Take Diana and Taron, and just leave this place, and find ourselves a better life elsewhere. If it were only possible. If only I knew that we could do so, without suffering any further financial losses, and that I would be guaranteed a job.

I don’t know why I wish that we could leave. The thought of leaving had never come to me before. I always thought of this community as my home. I’ve wanted to stay and spend my life here, grow old here, die here. Lately, I’ve been wondering if there is more for us elsewhere.

Perhaps Canada. Yep. That’s one place that I would like to go, and possibly live. I’ve always heard nice things about Canada, and after watching Bowling For Columbine (an excellent movie, I might add), I think that I would feel much safer there than here.

Maybe Utah. Find out more about LDS.

Of course, thinking about it, Kentucky ain’t so bad. We’ve got nice countryside and interesting weather. Just all them rednecks bother me. Of course, I’m one as well, so I guess I really have no room to talk.

I don’t know, maybe this entry has helped me get my mind off a little, but I still feel like my head is swollen and about to pop if I don’t go out and take a walk, stare at the stars, paint a landscape, wash the cars, write a novel, sing a song, …………

Now I really wish that I could cry. I’m depressing myself. I just want to curl up and cry.

The feeling will pass though. I’ll feel much better in a few minutes, when I publish this entry, disconnect, and hold my son in my arms.

Then, I’ll really want to cry.

For a different reason.

I love my baby boy.

Thank you for listening. I think this talk has helped me.
-Jeremy

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to write anything here. I guess I need to figure out what all I have to tell you to catch you up.

Diana and I were able to come home with Taron on the 25th. Diana was released the day before, but we voted to stay until we could be home with our son.

The journey home was interesting, as we had some nice icy weather that came upon us a few hours before we left.

Well, we got home, and have, for the most part, been staying here, feeding and watching over our babe. Taron’s been to my place of work twice, as the roads weren’t in the greatest conditions, so I’d bring Diana and Taron in to town so they could make their appointments. After the appointments, Diana and Taron would come to the store and wait to go home.

Taron’s so cute!

The very first day that we had him home, I wasn’t much help. The feeding and diaper thing was too new. Now I’ve been doing it very regular, and love every chance that I have to feed and change him.

I’ve been half-way depressed. I don’t like us being here. I want us to have a place of our own, far from all the noise that Linda, Mariah, and Stephanie create. All the yelling that goes on bugs me. Then add having Mark and Angela pop in, whining that they need this, that, or twenty bucks. This is not the environment that I want my son to grow up in.

Fortunetely, we will be rid of this place in a month or so. I can’t wait.

I have to work today. I was originally scheduled off, but I have to take the place of another worker. Here’s that story:

On Saturday an employee meeting was held at the store. Several things were discussed, and a few new rules were imposed. Well, one of those rules was broken on Monday. The employee that broke the rule has now been partially fired. He was told that since he broke one of the rules mentioned just a few days ago, without any valid excuse, he shouldn’t worry about coming to work, and to pick up his check on Friday. The owner (former manager) said for Rob (now manager) to give that message to the employee, while she (the owner) waited for the employee to dispute the firing, and apologize to regain his employment. He has yet to call the owner, so, he’s gone.

Was any of that confusing? Okay, let me try to explain better using very poor dialogue:

owner: employee made a big mistake
manger: and what do you want me to do
owner: call him & say he’s fired
manager: fired?
owner: yep. he’ll probably call me and beg for forgiveness. if he does, he’ll be back until next time
manager: ok

manager: you broke the rules. you’re gone.
employee: ok

I hate that we’ll be losing the guy, but he has been slacking a bit. Example: A customer came in needing a power supply for an effects board for electric guitar. Power Supply needed: 12VAC 1000mA. Power Supply Sold: 12VDC 800mA. Not only that, but e then charged for the “free” plug end that comes with the power adapter.

Anyway, if he’s gone, maybe I’ll get a raise and more hours. I hope.

Well, I think I’ll be leaving now. Got a few things to get done.

My sister took pictures of Taron yesterday, and posted them last night.

Here are the pics:

I hope to have more info later, once I have gotten some sleep.

Thank you,

-Jeremiah